Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Why All of These Happening to me?

Yes. Whenever I felt down, feel hopeless, felt hurt by the worldly events, this sentence somehow popped out from nowhere.

Lately it happened.

My lifestyle seems differ from people around me. Different from my own family.
I often ask; why I am different? Why can't I be normal and ease my thinking as similar as the other people around me? Why can't I pursue architecture in a way, not too much struggle? Even I've struggled till death, the result still below the standard. "Look, your own friend almost ready to pursue her master, and you're still nowhere to be found and looking for your permanent job", curse you negative thought.

This is not to brag. This is curiousness which always strike me since I was a child. Since in Primary school. It could be some kindof blessing, at the same time; disaster.

Tried myself to figure out whichever stream fits my own personality. But it seems to hurt my loved ones. It's  either I live the life I didn't enjoy & satisfy people's expectation towards me... or live the life I've ever dreamt of & let go of their hopes towards me.

It's very. Complicated.

Yet it's not good to blame the destiny.
Asking "Why All of These Happening To Me" is something looks like, ungrateful.

Guess that I'll just follow the flow. Keep on moving. Do the best that I could & let Him decide for me. Not to think too much. "Anyway, architecture had taught you of many different perspective of life, met you up with many great personalities aite? I believe many more hikmah you can derive from this field inshaa Allah," said positive thought.

You can do this. Just do it.

A girl who always need self assurance & positive words.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Fav Song

Raya mood is coming... It's such an enjoyment to have 5 days holiday after months of working 6 days per week pheww. Get prepare with a new feeling of raya days guys.

By the way,

This is just another good song that I'd love to hear everyday. It suits my personality tho! And I'd like to share this song to my friends out there, just to tell how good the lyrics are. Enjoice !

Is your favorite color blue?
Do you always tell the truth?
Do you believe in outer-space?
Now I'm learning you

Is your skin as tanned as mine?
Does your hair flow sideways?
Did someone take a portion of your heart?
Now I'm learning you

And if you don't mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fears
And everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me

I've let my guard down for you
And in time you will too

And if you don't mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fears
And everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me

Deeper conversation with me

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Big Dreams to be Achieved

Well, readers. I'm back.

Idk what kindof people reading my blog, but for sure, this is one of the ways for me to see what are those things which had been messed up in my mind lately. It's some kindof, mind management I think? So jyeahh, didn't even care what people think as long as I could bebel secara lisan in this small part of online world.

I read some of the articles saying something like, "Anak tengah ni selalunya mempunyai cita2 yang tinggi, big dreams, that's why they tend to have many types of failure in their life. As the 4th children of seven siblings in family... I partly agree and disagree with this statement. Kinda moral down jugak baca, but hey, don't you know how much He could make the impossible to be possible? So, I tried to convince myself back, that, we could plan, but Allah is the best planner, and nothing to worry about that kindof article with no strong evidence. Everyone can write what they think of, like how I wrote mine in this blog huh?

Whenever I'm going out with my girl-friends, most of their topics would be about 'marriage'. Undeniable, most of the girls out there are having this kindof insecurities of not getting married after age of 30, and afraid to be labelled 'andalusia' (anak dara lanjut usia?) Oh well, me also included in that insecurity, but not so much. Tipulah kalau tak risau hidup seorang diri sepanjang hayat haha. But I'm focusing on my self-development right now so I'm not so into that topic. Many other things to be thought of, before I'm turning 30 thou. Maaaaanyyyyy. And I'm not ready to be a married woman, as long as my dreams tak tercapai lagi, which is to make my parents feel proud to have me for building their dream house in kampung. And guess what? I have like, about 7 years to complete this mission, which is to fulfill their dream, before i'm turning 30.

Second her thought.

It's a long way to go. Many things to be settled. Boleh dikatakan jugalah 'membina rumah tangga', but in more literal meaning haha! okay not funny.

One of the magical words He gave us. 

Hence, there are always this inevitable moments which makes me feel... "This is impossible" "This is crazy" "This is far from reality". Because, to me, I have nothing to offer my family right now. I have many weakness. The time is short, I don't even sure if I could have the chance to fulfill their dream, before my time...or their time come.
This, is the moment for me, to overcome my negative thoughts.
And really crucial for me, to always istiqamah, to always believe;
meletakkan sepenuh penuh pergantungan kepada Allah s.w.t. yang Maha Merancang. 

Instead of using the usual path like most of my friends do,
I chose many different approach, as long as I could achieve my destiny.
It might be weird. 
It might be unsafe.
It might be not as other people expected me to be.
But only I know, what's fit in my shoes. 

I admit, being an over-thinker is not good. 
I thought of lot of stuffs!

Some of the days, I think of just proceed in this area of Interior design, 
and take Master in Interior Design, then be a lecturer, 
Some other day, I'm thinking of working in a construction company, 
then take licences to enable me becoming a Contractor, 
so I could design my parents; house fully by myself,
Some of the other day, I'm thinking of taking position as an Assistant Architect 
then proceed to Master in Architecture, 
in order to meet most of the people's expectation towards me, 
as I've already finished my degree in Architecture. 
Some of the other day, I just want to work/study overseas 
& search for new experiences & widen my vision 
while I'm young & able.

Life is having so much options, right ? 
All of these things are to be achieved by only those who dare much to search for difference in their life. 
While usually....people like it to be normal & safe. 
And it takes a lot of gut to be abnormal. 
It's like, you're opposing the flow. Human flow.

Anyway, it's time for me to let go these books to my beloved friends for awhile. I'm sure what's gonna happen to these precious stuffs of mine, so I need to neatly preserve it by cover up with plastics. Balut bukulah senang kata hahaha okay, that's all for today's "talking to myself" session.

be safe, dear.